What I Say and What I Mean
by Leon Cross
Summary: A heart to heart between two people.........


"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" Tomoyo asked concerned as always.

"Yes I'm sure. You make it sound like she'd go crazy on me and try to kill me or something." I remarked.

"Well knowing how she feels about you I wouldn't be surprised if she did go nuts. You know how far she goes just to stay away from you."

"I can't just let this go on forever, I mean its gone on far enough as it is. All I want to do is find out what's running through her head. Why she's always acting like I'm out to make her life a living heck."

"Alright. If your sure you can do this on your own........."

"Yes I'm sure."

"Just.....be careful okay?"

"If you worry so much your gonna be seeing some gray hairs on that head of yours." I ruffled her hair a little and then gave her a peck on the forehead, she always likes that. "I'll call you tonight and tell you how it went okay?"

"Don't forget."

"I won't."

We parted ways. Tomoyo to her home and me off to a much more unusual location. Especially when you take into consideration who I'm going to visit and why.

"I guess I should've changed out of my uniform. But I guess it won't matter what I'm wearing." I had left to go on this visit directly from school. The anxiety of it was eating at me the entire day. My destination was gonna take me to one of more surbarban sections of Tokyo some nine miles from our school. Even on rollerblades it was going to take some time in getting there. And much to my luck today just so happened to be one of the hotter days. What stumped me was trying to figure out exactly how Meilin was able to get from her home to school everyday. I didn't know of any bus stops near this area, so she either had to walk or run to and from school every single day. 

"Whew. Man how far does this girl live........" I slowed down and stopped in the shade of a large cherry blossom tree. I guessed that I had to be close, I was on a somewhat quiet street. The only activity was a couple of small kids playing what looked to be tag and the occasional bark of a dog. I took out a small folded up piece of paper where I had written down the directions. My guess proved right, her house should be about four houses down. 

"This has to be the place. Awfully big for one person......" It was a one story. But a big house nonetheless, I never thought of Meilin as a person who liked stuff like that but I guess I was proved wrong today. "Well here goes nothing." I finally got up the courage to ring the doorbell. I didn't hear anything for a couple of minutes so I rang it again. I still didn't hear anything. "Great this entire trip and she's not even home. Probably hounding Syaoran somewhere." Thats when I suddenly heard rapid footsteps like someone was running to the door.

"Hold on I'm coming!" I heard a familiar voice yell

"That doesn't sound like Meilin........." I thought outloud.

"Oh hi Sakura." I looked up only to find, to my surprise, Syaoran of all people standing in the doorway. He was holding a towel, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and he was sweating like crazy

"Oh hi Syaoran. What are you doing here."

"I was gonna ask you the same thing."

"I just came here to talk to Meilin actually. Is she here?"

"Oh yeah. We were both out back."

I followed Syaoran through the house and I was amazed at what I saw. Almost all the furniture was white, and with the sun shining almost made it hard to look at. And there were alot of paintings and sculpture all around the walls and bookcaises. They looked, if I remember what our art teacher said, like they had an abstract style to them.

"Man her parents have her really taken care of, I heard there were wealthy but I didn't know exactly how much." Syaoran commented who apparently noticed my amazement.

"What about you? Don't you live by yourself too?"

"Yeah. But I don't have a whole house to myself if that's what your thinking."

"Oh yeah. Hmmmm, I imagine it must get pretty lonely sometimes."

"What does?"

"This place. Being here all by yourself in a place so big."

"I suppose it could be."

"So what ARE you doing here Syaoran?"

"Me and Meilin sometimes practice after school. Of course she always holds back and lets me win all the time.........."

"Uhhhhh practice what?"

"You'll see........."

I followed him all the way to the back to a sliding glass door which led to the backyard. I really didn't want to have to go back into the blazing sun but I suppose I didn't have a choice. When I got out there I saw Meilin spin kicking the air, she was also wearing the same thing as Syaoran but she wasn't nearly as wet.

"Hey Syaoran who wa..............Oh its you."

I had gotten used to the level of disgust present in her voice whenever she said my name. Syaoran, by the way he rolled his eyes, thought it was just annoying.

"So you wanna go one more time?" Meilin asked nicely

"Oh no. I'm beat I'm gonna head home."

"Ohhhhhh." Meilin sighed in her most dissappointed tone.

"Bye Meilin. Bye Sakura." Syaoran then hopped the fence separating the back of the house from another street directly behind it. Of course whatever cheeriness was present on Meilin's face at that moment disappeared the moment Syaoran was out of sight.

"What do you want............" she said as she went back to attacking the air.

"Nothing really specific. Just thought we could talk a little." I took a sit on the grass with my back against the house. It was beyond me how she could be training so vigorously in this kind of heat. Just watching her made me want to faint from heat exhaustion.

"So........talk." I took it by that statement she wasn't really in the mood for idle conversation to begin with so I decided to get to the point as fast as possible.

"Well.....uhhhh.......There's something thats been bothering me for a while now. Ever since you first came here and met us all you've done is bite my head off every chance you get. And I really don't know what it is I've done to you to deserve that."

I could've sworn she started hitting even harder than she was before, if that was possible.

"To be blunt....Meilin...........Why do you hate me?"

That seemed to get something out of her because she stopped dead in her tracks and looked back at me. She probably assumed it was some kind of joke, but I was being dead serious and I could tell she noticed it too.

"I would've thought you figured it out by now." she said going back to training.

"If you expect me to believe that this is all about Syaoran than you better try harder than that. I know it's something your not telling anyone. But if your going to hate me for it you might as well to me face to face."

"I don't have to explain anything to you. Look if all your going to do is bother me with stupid questions than you might as well leave." she said sounding slightly more annoyed.

"I'm not leaving." I tried to say as determined as possible.

I still don't know what exactly in that sentence set her off but then she suddenly stopped again and immediately started walking rather fast in my direction. By the time I got up I was already backed up against the wall with Meilin in my face about ready to rearrange it.

"I do not have time for your idiotic three year old child questions. So you can either leave on your own or I can throw you out personally. I would prefer the second choice."

I was about to ready to bolt when she backed up to give me breathing space but for somehow I gathered the courage to speak again, knowing full well my next words could result in me waking up in a hospital.

"Meilin I didn't come here to get in another meaningless fight with you. I know you have somekind of problem, and as much as you would deny it simply taking your anger out on me isn't going to help you. Its only going to make it worse."

I noticed her clenching her fists so hard they were trembling. I know I should've tried to make my escape then but I seemed to be having excess amounts of courage that I needed to burn through before my legs would start to move.

"I................I............don't................." I guess she realized whatever she was attempting to say was futile. Thats when I noticed her finally starting to calm down, ever so slightly.

"I..........don't........hate you." 

"Well if you don't you have a funny way of showing it."

"Its just that hate is such a strong word. I mean I don't wish every night that you would somehow die in your sleep. I just.................I............it's just too complicated."

"Well I'm willing to listen for as long as I need to....."

I think I finally managed to convince her to at least tolerate my presence if not for a little while. She walked over and sat down on the grass next to me. She took a deep breath and seemed to be mentally preparing herself for whatever it was she was going to say to me.

"Okay.........This of course starts back in China. As Syaoran as probably already told you the Li bloodline has alot of history in magic. We literally have it in our blood. Almost every generation of Li children have had some type of magic power. Whether it be high-level destructive power or low-level fortune-telling. Its been like that for more years than I could tell you. Thats when me and Syaoran came in."

I could hear her voice getting lower. She brought her knees up and she wrapped her arms around them. I guessed that what we she was going to say was something she didn't like remembering.

"When Syaoran was born he had amazing magical potential, his entire family was so proud and envious of him. They started training him when he was about only two years old. Pretty soon our entire family was centered around Syaoran, everything they worked for was for Syaoran. He was a very special child and they treated him like it."

From the way she was talking it sounded like she was more angry at Syaoran then me.

"Then I was concieved. After what happened with Syaoran my own parents had so many expectations for me. 'He'll be just as strong as Syaoran' they said. And as you just heard that was one strike against me, they wanted a boy. I was somewhat of a late bloomer, I came out around two weeks after I was expected..........."

Her sudden silence had me a little concerned. "If you don't feel like going on you don't have..."

"But the biggest surprise wouldn't come till I was one year old. Thats when I was tested to see how high my magical aptitude was. That's when my parents heard the one thing that shattered every single hope and expectation they had in me. I did NOT have a single bit of magic in my entire body."

She plopped her head down in between her arms. I can't say I knew how she felt, to have some much riding on you at birth only to have it all crushed at such an early age.

"I don't think there were parents anywhere in the world that were more disappointed in there child than mine were. I was an embarrasment to the whole family and they made sure that I wouldn't forget that. The only person in the entire Li bloodline to be born without any magic power, oh yes they were so proud of there useless daughter. They didn't care anything for me, and why should they? All of there hopes and dreams were on me and I failed....."

"Meilin you shouldn't say you failed. When your parents put all that responsibility on you, you weren't even born yet. You couldn't control whether you would be born with magic or not."

She was silent for a couple of minutes after that. I guess she was actually absorbing what I was saying. Which was an indication I was actually making some progress.

"Hmmmmm. As selfish as this sounds, I grew up most of my life wanting attention. My parents didn't care anything for me I realize that now, but back then I tried anything I could to get there attention, to get there approval. I was around five when I started training in the martial arts. I trained like mad, day and night without stopping to eat or to rest. I would train till my body would literally drop out of shere exhaustion, all just to make my parents proud of me. I ended being the best fighter in the entire Li family, which is a feat in itself considering our lineage and the fact I'm a girl, members from all the families came to test me and I beat them all. But they still didn't care, they didn't care for me or everything I went through to make them proud of me. One time I was being tested and by the end of the match I wound up with a dislocated shoulder, a broken rib, and a compound fracture in my left leg. But did they care? The question is could they care less..........they didn't visit me in the hospital, they didn't even notice when I came back home. I figured then the only way for them to even acknowledge that I was there daughter was to prove to them I could use magic. Thats how I learned about the clow cards, about how there a different kind of magic and that you don't need to have magic in your blood to use them. I knew if I could get the clow cards I could prove to them I was worthy of being there daughter......."

We both sat there in silence for what seemed like forever. I was taking in everything she was telling, I never would've known Meilin had that kind of weight on her conscience. All this time I thought her reasons for coming here were because of an over-obsession with Syaoran, that the reason she wanted the clow cards were to impress him and make him love her. But now I know its something entirely different.

"I really don't know why I told you all that.................."

"I'm glad you did. I'm sure it must have been hard keeping that all to yourself."

"Yeah............You know when I told them I was leaving for Japan I could tell they couldn't be happier to see me leave. They even got me this place, there probably hoping right now that I never come back. And since I haven't gotten a single clow card there wish will probably come true."

She buried her head in her arms again. All this she was telling me must be taking a toll on her. I could tell she was starting to choke up.

"Meilin. I'm not even going to try and say I understand what you went through or that I understand how you feel. I love my father and my father loves me, and even though I didn't really know my mother I love her just as much and I'm sure wherever she is she feels the same way. I don't know your parents so I can't really say that deep in there heart they truly care for you. But I can tell you that there are people here that care for you Meilin, there are people who won't ignore you, there are people who will accept you for what you are. Magic or no magic."

"Right............ever since I came here I've been a complete bitch to everyone I talk to. Everyone except Syaoran, so how do you expect me to believe that anyone actually cares what happens to me? I mean I've lived my whole life without any friends. Syaoran was probably my only one and by now he probably thinks I'm more of a nuisance than a friend. Who would care about someone as worthless as me."

She put her head and back in her arms. She started to shiver slightly, I could tell she was crying now. Even then she was still trying to hold it back. I put my arm around her shoulder and held her hand before going on.

"Don't say that Meilin. Your not worthless Meilin your just as special as anyone else. And I know there are people who care about you Meilin. I care about you, if I didn't I wouldn't be here now."

She lifted her head up and looked at me. I could see the tear trails running down her face.

"Even after all this time and all you had to put up with?"

"I may not have known from the start what kind of person you really are, but later I could tell you were a good person deep down. You just didn't want to show it to anyone, besides Syaoran maybe."

She smiled a little at that. Come to think of it that's probably the first time I've ever seen Meilin smile, at least at me that is. We sat in silence for a pretty long time, before I knew it it was getting pretty late so I had to be getting back home. Meilin offered to walk home with me, Meilin seemed to have amazing powers of stamina. We were very close to my house when Meilin suddenly spoke up again.

"You know Sakura when this whole thing started you originally asked me why I..............disliked........you and I haven't answered your question yet have I?"

"Thats okay you don't have to."

"No.......I better get this off my chest. My not liking you wasn't simply because I thought Syaoran liked you, but you probably figured that out already. It was because.....your..........what I wanted to be."

"You wanted to be like me?"

"Your exactly what my parents wanted in a daughter. Your beautiful, and athletic, and loved by everybody, and most importantly you have magic."

"Meilin your all those things too, except for the magic. I really didn't have a choice to recieve these powers but now that I have them I have a responsibility to use them to protect the people I care for. But if I did have a choice I'd prefer to live without them."

By the time I was finished we'd finally reached home and it was time to move our separate ways.

"Sakura......."

"Yes?"

"Well........I've never really said this to anyone before but........t-thank you........for everything."

I just smiled walked over and gave her a hug. But when I pulled away I noticed she was blushing all over her face.

"Is there something wrong Meilin?"

"No, its just I've never really been hugged before. I'm not really used to people touching me like that......"

"Well get used to it okay. You'll be in for alot more."

Sakura went back home and I found myself walking back to my home contemplating everything that had happened. It felt like such an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally realized that I didn't need to hide myself anymore, that I didn't have to keep who I truly buried deep in my mind anymore. When I got home I started to realize how big and lonely this place was.

"Hi Syaoran its me Meilin. I was wondering, would you like to live with me?....................No not like that...........Well I just thought that this place is awfully big for one person........I just told you its not gonna be like that...........Well I did a little growing up in the past few hours....................What do you mean whats wrong with my voice?.................Thats probably because I go to a high pitch every time I talk to you.................Yeah I guess that would explain why you have a headache after every conversation with me..................Obviously its because I'm not talking like I just swallowed a tank full of helium....................Okay, I'll come over and help you pack tomorrow okay? Bye."

The End.


End file.
